Welcome back! Last week, we talked about memories and how they are laid down in the brain. If you missed that blog, click HERE to catch up.
Growing up, my parents told me I wasn’t allowed to complain unless and until I had a solution to go with the complaint. It forced me to see the world with a “can do” attitude. After all, there’s always a solution to a problem, right? Well…most of the time, anyway. It was empowering.
What I didn’t realize was that this way of thinking would change the way my brain dealt with life in general.
Let’s start with a quote
“See if you can catch yourself complaining, in either speech or thought, about a situation you find yourself in, what other people do or say, your surroundings, your life situation, even the weather. To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So, change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.” – Eckhart Tolle
How often does the average person complain?
Not that we should always compare ourselves, but it’s good to have a baseline to bounce off of.
M1 Psychology reports that the average person complains anywhere between 15 and 30 times a day. Yikes!
I’m not a complainer, but my friend sure is…
Oh. That’s not good. That’s not good at all, according to Stafford University.
Research from Stanford University has also found that complaining reduces the size of our hippocampus, which, is responsible for memory and problem-solving. The study found that engaging in complaining or simply hearing someone complain for more than 30 minutes could physically damage our brains.
What happens to our brains?
In neuroscience, the phrase “synapses that fire together wire together” is used to explain this concept.
Within the brain, there is a constellation of synaptic clefts between synapses. Every time you have a thought, one synapse sends a chemical signal across the synaptic cleft to another synapse. Over time, ‘bridges’ are built, for which electric signals can travel. These electrical signals carry the relevant information you’re thinking about with their charge.
Every time this electrical charge is triggered, the synapses grow closer together in order to decrease the distance the electrical charge has to cross … The brain is rewiring its own circuitry, physically changing itself, to make it easier and more likely that the proper synapses will share the chemical link and thus spark together–in essence, making it easier for the thought to trigger.”
Since the shortest distance between synapses wins the race, it’s also just as possible for positive circuits to be developed to experience positive thoughts more frequently than negative ones.
M1 Psychology
Energy is contagious
Have you ever been in a great mood, but then someone enters your space who is super depressed and cranky? You feel the joy leak from your heart, right? There’s a reason for that.
Our brains are wired to imagine what others are experiencing, so when we see someone experiencing anger or sadness, our brains try it out to enhance our understanding of what they are experiencing. The same mechanism of firing synapses applies – our brains attempt to fire the same synapses to enable us to empathize with others.
That’s not to say we shouldn’t hang out with friends who have fallen on hard times…not at all. Your positive energy can lift them up and bring them back from the dark thoughts. Just realize that if you too start to feel down, it’s probably not coming from within, it’s coming from outside of yourself. It’s wise to take a break and recharge at that point where you feel yourself being pulled in.
Does complaining also affect our bodies?
Travis Bradberry, Ph.D. writes, “While it’s not an exaggeration to say that complaining leads to brain damage, it doesn’t stop there. When you complain, your body releases the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol shifts you into fight-or-flight mode, directing oxygen, blood, and energy away from everything but the systems that are essential to immediate survival. One effect of cortisol, for example, is to raise your blood pressure and blood sugar so that you’ll be prepared to either escape or defend yourself.
“All the extra cortisol released by frequent complaining impairs your immune system and makes you more susceptible to high cholesterol, diabetes, heart disease, and obesity. It even makes the brain more vulnerable to strokes”.
So how do I stop the madness?
Again, we go to Dr. Bradberry for advice.
“There are two things you can do when you feel the need to complain. One is to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. That is, when you feel like complaining, shift your attention to something that you’re grateful for. Taking time to contemplate what you’re grateful for isn’t merely the right thing to do; it reduces the stress hormone cortisol by 23%. Research conducted at the University of California, Davis, found that people who worked daily to cultivate an attitude of gratitude experienced improved mood and energy and substantially less anxiety due to lower cortisol levels. Any time you experience negative or pessimistic thoughts, use this as a cue to shift gears and to think about something positive. In time, a positive attitude will become a way of life.
“The second thing you can do—and only when you have something that is truly worth complaining about—is to engage in solution-oriented complaining. Think of it as complaining with a purpose. Solution-oriented complaining should do the following:
- Have a clear purpose. Before complaining, know what outcome you’re looking for. If you can’t identify a purpose, there’s a good chance you just want to complain for its own sake, and that’s the kind of complaining you should nip in the bud.
- Start with something positive. It may seem counterintuitive to start a complaint with a compliment, but starting with a positive helps keep the other person from getting defensive. For example, before launching into a complaint about poor customer service, you could say something like, “I’ve been a customer for a very long time and have always been thrilled with your service…”
- Be specific. When you’re complaining it’s not a good time to dredge up every minor annoyance from the past 20 years. Just address the current situation and be as specific as possible. Instead of saying, “Your employee was rude to me,” describe specifically what the employee did that seemed rude.
- End on a positive. If you end your complaint with, “I’m never shopping here again,” the person who’s listening has no motivation to act on your complaint. In that case, you’re just venting, or complaining with no purpose other than to complain. Instead, restate your purpose, as well as your hope that the desired result can be achieved, for example, “I’d like to work this out so that we can keep our business relationship intact.”
A call to action
I’m going to challenge you to record on paper every negative thing you think or say for a full 24 hours. See what you are lending your energy to and decide if it’s worth all the eventual health consequences. And, it’s also ok to show this blog to a friend who may be “harshin’ your mellow” so to speak…you’d actually be doing both you and them a favor.
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As always, this blog is not a replacement for sound medical advice. I am not a doctor. Please make an appointment to see your healthcare provider and put a good plan in place that works for you and the needs of your body.
That’s all I have for you this week, dear reader. I’ll see you back here next Wednesday to share another cup of coffee. Until then, be good to yourself and each other.
Mind, Body, Spirit…Osteopathic Doctors treat the whole person, not just the ailment. Is your PCP a DO? Would you like to learn more about Osteopathic Physicians? Click HERE!